Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Goaty Foreplay

Today we took the girls back out to the farm where we got them, to see if we couldn't get them knocked up. That's right, we want pregnant goats. Our main goal in getting these goats was to someday have our own source for fresh, raw, milk -- and to do that apparently the goat's gotta gestate and give birth before she can lactate...who knew?!

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I knew by their age that they should go into heat last month, but by the time I learned what signs to look for to tell me that they were getting hot and bothered, it was too late... I had missed my chance. This month I paid more attention to their pleas to go visit young Billy (who's name is actually Bristol), and I saw it coming on Monday night. Lesson number 158 in goat breeding: You can't wait 2 more days after your goat starts "maaaaa"ing like a crazy woman, sticking her tail up to the sky to show you her goods, and swelling in her nether-regions, to take her to the little billy-goat for her conjugal visit, even though that's the day you need to go out anyway to pick up your milk and then you wouldn't have to make 2 trips in the same week and it would save you gas and time.... GO NOW. The she-goat is desperate and her ovulatory window (and the window in which she will tolerate Sweet Billy man-handling her) is very short. By the time we introduced the three goats (a goat three-some???) this afternoon, the window was quickly slamming shut. They sized each other up -- exchanged niceties, circled and sniffed -- but when it came to getting down to business it was clear that it was not the time that nature mandated. The girls were not really interested, and it even took some persuading to get little Bristol going... although once he caught on to our intent, he gladly obliged. So, if the window was still open a crack, there is a chance that Thelma could be pregnant this month -- she did lose her goat-virginity... but it looks unlikely that any seed was actually planted.


The event was very educational for everyone in attendance -- except probably for Jaci, the breeder. We tried to take our cues from her and play it cool while leading the goats around on ropes and holding necks and tails while enticing the billy to do his thing...even though in my imagination we would leave the goats in a private room for an hour with candles and wine to set the mood and get the juices flowing. Kylin stood with wide eyes, cocking her head from side to side, trying to recall all of the conception information that I had shared with her in her life, I'm sure.

We will be at it again, as will Mr. Bristol, in 21 days -- which is apparently the ovulatory cycle of goats. Maybe you can light a candle and send sexy baby-making thoughts our way... for the goats, that is.


Luckily, Kylin got to take her mind off all the strange goat sex by riding Jaci's pony, Richie. Jaci had bribed her with a pony ride to try to get us to buy her goats, and she finally made good on her promise.

Kylin was beside herself with excitement...all she could do through the ride was giggle when Jaci asked her how she was doing. The pony was superbly trained...he stopped on a dime, did exactly as Jaci asked (and Kylin, when she learned to give him commands), and was very gentle with everyone.
The boys were super jealous, but also very excited to watch, and so at the end they each got to sit in the saddle.

Stay tuned for more to come, in the saga of 2 horny goats, and their human pimps...

8 comments:

elliesmadre said...

This is so funny. You Halls and your horny goats....;)

Anonymous said...

love the pony rides!

Nathan and McKenna

Rebekah said...

This is what I live for. Goat porn!! Good luck, horny nannys!

Mama Nomad said...

there is no room for romance when it comes to barnyard lovin'...

ky looks so cute on that horse; i am glad she finally got to have her promised ride:-)

Patrice Farmer said...

Very educational!!! Hope you get your milk...and I hope that I'll oneday want to raise goats-as of right now I'm not so sure-lol! I didn't know you had to be involved in their propagating!

LittleYogini said...

I'm very disappointed you didn't get coverage of the goat losing her virginity. ;-)

me said...

o hilarious! I woke my husband by laughing so hard! The saga of the horny goats! I love it!
I love goats! They have freaky eyes and make milk! Can't get better than that right?
Yogini is right though man, don't forget the psychology of goats losing their virginity!
If it gets to hard remember the feta man remember the feta...yummy feta

Haley said...

OMG!! Your halarious! I would like a full update on what happens next, with your two horny goats! Well, actually, one horny, one innocent, soon to be corrupted by her selfish, goat milk loving owners!! :) love you! ~Haley